Estrangement or parental Alienation?
In cases where a child naturally harbours strong hostile emotions towards a parent due to abandonment and/or abusive and/or neglectful and/or violent parenting, a child would not be considered as being alienated but estranged (Johnston, 2005). At first glance estrangement can be seen as having similar symptoms to an alienated child due to the resentment they harbour towards the abusive parent along with worry of retaliation (Johnston, 2005).
what’s the difference?
To explain the difference between the two, Gardner (1999) examines many behaviours; the first where in parental alienation the alienating parent is typically unhelpful to examiners. The alienating parents resist the alienated parent’s efforts to bring a neutral professional and instead prefer to employ an inexperienced mental health professional who they can influence. When there is abuse and/or neglect, thus resulting in estrangement, the abusing parent (that is, according to them, the alienated parent) would not be willing to engage a neutral entity as this parent is aware that such an entity would work against them while the other parent would be willing to employ the services of a neutral, competent professional, even if this would be a financial burden.
The second behaviour focuses on the reliability between the two parents. When alienation is present, the alienating parent is more likely to be caught being dishonest while in estrangement the abusive parent is caught being dishonest. So, we can see that the offender would be more likely to be caught being dishonest.
Gardner (1999) continues to discuss how in parental alienation, a child becomes brainwashed in a campaign of criticism against the targeted parent where brainwashing can either be delivered in an intentional and obvious manner or in a subtle and stealthy manner. Alienating parents encourage their child’s contribution to slander the targeted parent.
Another symptom of this campaign is also seen when the child uses borrowed scenarios, scenarios where children wouldn’t have had the opportunity to remember first hand (such as my father/mother wasn’t present when I was born). However, if the case is due to estrangement, one would not see children as being typically fixated on speaking about the abuse endured at the hands of a parent as the children would not need to be reminded of the trauma they endured, even if a child might not remember all the details of the abuse. A child would need very little encouragement to remember abuse linked to estrangement and would not need to be told the details from another family member.
Regarding overprotectiveness, Gardner (1991) discusses how parents who are alienators are overprotective in many areas of the child’s life while in cases where the child has been abused or neglected, the parent would be overprotective specifically in situations where the child is at risk of being abused, so the parent might even encourage the child to visit the other parent in public spaces or during supervised visits.
Parents who alienate their child/children from the other parent usually show no appreciation for the other parent in the child’s life, in fact they would call it good fortune should the other parent simply vanish from their lives. On the contrary, a parent who claims that the other person has been abusive and/or neglectful sees the importance of the other parent’s involvement in the child’s life (Gardner, 1999).
If psychopathic behaviour is exhibited, it is exhibited by the parent who is inciting the damage, that is, in the case where parental alienation is present, the behaviour would be presented by the alienating parent and in cases where there is abuse and/or neglect it would be presented by the fictional targeted parent (Gardner, 1999).
When abuse is present, abuse is not generally focused solely on the child but would most probably have started with the other parent, maybe even before the birth of the child, however, in cases where parental alienation is present, there was a larger possibility that the stories of abuse focused more on what the child experienced. Gardner recognises that this last behaviour is not one of the strongest criteria but is one to be nonetheless considered.
Gardner (1999) describes the timing of the abuse as being distinctive; in cases of abuse or neglect the abuse would have been present for a long time before any separation had occurred while in cases of parental alienation, the relationship with the alienated parent before separation was a positive one.
Gardner (1999) continues to discuss the difference between alienated parents and abusive parents; where an alienated parent would still worry and strive with providing care and resources for their children, thus committed to the well-being of their children, whilst abusive parents would not. Parents who are abusers are also stereotypically more impulsive. This impulsivity can also be seen in other areas of their lives while alienated parents are not generally the impulsive type and are typically more capable of self-restraint in various parts of their lives.
Finally, Gardner (1999) mentions how parents who abuse and/or neglect their children exhibit more anger and can also lead to incite paranoia with children being easy targets. A targeted parent is not usually a hostile person however, due to the endured loss of their child, an alienated parent would be suffering frustration and anger at the injustice.
However, that is not to say that estrangement cannot co-exist with alienation. When a mixture of both exists, it is important that both elements are recognised and therapists (and other professionals) should be trained to deal with both estrangement and alienation (Lorandos et al., 2013).
parental alienation and therapy
Here at Iftaħ Qalbek we can help during this difficult time. Please don’t hesitate to contact us (via call or WhatsApp) on 77771237, through our contact page on our website or email on [email protected] for more information on how we can help you.
References:
- Johnston, J. R. (2005). Children of Divorce Who Reject Parent and Refuse Visitation: Recent Research and Social Policy Implications for the Alientated Child. Family Law Quarterly, 38(4), 757-776.
- Gardner, R. (1999). Differentiating between parental alienation syndrome and bona fide abuse-neglect. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 27(2), 97-107. https://doi.org/10.1080/019261899261998
- Lorandos, D., Bernet, W., & Sauber, S. R. (2013). Parental alienation: The handbook for mental health and legal professionals. Charles C Thomas Pub.